Understanding perfectionism in kids and how it can link to anxiety
In this three-part series on children’s mental health, learn about perfectionism, healthy risk taking and everyday habits to build kids’ emotional resilience, to help you parent with confidence and support your child’s wellbeing.
Does your child often get upset when they make small mistakes? Or give up quickly when trying something new? It could be they’re showing signs of perfectionism.
Being a perfectionist might not seem that harmful at first. As a parent or caregiver you might even be wondering, what’s wrong with my child aiming high or trying to do their best?
While having high expectations can be beneficial, when children feel they need to be perfect this can lead to mental and physical health problems. Research shows perfectionism can be closely linked to anxiety disorders in children and teenagers1. And left unaddressed, childhood anxiety usually continues into adulthood2.
The good news is, if you feel your child has some perfectionistic tendencies, there are lots of ways you can help turn things around. From spotting the early signs to normalizing mistakes, find out how to help your child overcome perfectionism.
What are the signs of perfectionism in children?
Perfectionism is a trait that can show up at any stage during childhood or adolescence. It can be caused by genetic or environmental factors. The American Psychological Association describes it as:
“The tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and other mental health problems.”
In young children, this might look like scribbling heavily over their drawings or ripping them up. Older children might avoid trying new things because they’re worried they won’t be good at them. Other signs of perfectionism in children and teenagers can include:
- Having unrealistic or extremely high expectations of themselves (such as in school, sports, music, dance or over their bodies)
- Becoming anxious or upset over small mistakes
- Self-criticism and negative self-talk (“I’m hopeless, I can’t do anything right, I’m not good/pretty/smart enough, I’m a failure”)
- Constantly worrying about their performance
- Spending a lot of time on small or simple tasks
- Fear of failure
- Avoiding challenges
- Giving up quickly or reluctant to try new things
- Seeking validation and reassurance
- Friendship problems, including avoiding social situations
How to help children overcome perfectionism
Showing your child that it’s okay to make mistakes and fail sometimes is one of the simplest ways you can help. Whether it’s a toddler spilling their drink, a child pronouncing a word incorrectly or a teenager forgetting to do their homework, how you react and what you say next can make a big difference.
- To your toddler, you might say: “Oops, let’s get the cloth and wipe this up together.”
- To your child, you might repeat the sentence back to them saying the word correctly but without pointing out their mistake. For example, if a child says “look, an am-blee-ance” you might say back, “yes, an ambulance, we better slow down and make way!”
- To your teenager, you might say: “We all forget things sometimes. Would it help to set a reminder in your calendar to do your homework?”
Highly critical or overly strict parenting styles, along with unrealistic expectations, can be linked to perfectionism and anxiety in children3. When children are worried about making mistakes and parental criticism, they may strive for perfection because of that worry, which is why taking a moment to pause and respond thoughtfully can be so helpful. By approaching mistakes—or even poor choices—with empathy and guidance, you’ll be helping your child truly learn from them and grow.
It’s also helpful to share your own mistakes and failures and how you overcame them with your child. This helps normalize them and shows your child you’re not perfect either, which can help take the pressure off them. It also encourages your child to talk to you when things go wrong rather than staying silent because they’re afraid you might disapprove.
Remember, you are your child’s most important role model. If you’re a bit perfectionistic too, being kind to yourself when you make mistakes sends an important message.
Another way to help your child overcome perfectionism is to praise them for effort instead of results. If parents and caregivers focus on results, children can sometimes feel like they’re not good enough, even when they’re trying their best. Celebrating their efforts, on the other hand, helps your child develop a growth mindset, where mistakes and failures are all part of the learning process.
To do this, it can help to identify something specific your child has done well while attempting to do something and praise them for it, no matter how young or old they are:
“I love how you drew a circle for the lion’s face/got to the first rung of the monkey bars/rode your bike for three whole seconds/played the first line of the song on the piano/spent an hour studying for that exam.”
Acknowledging their feelings and frustrations, and following this up with encouragement, can also help:
“It can be frustrating when we can’t do things right away. You can’t do it yet, but you’ll get there.”
“It is hard, but you can do hard things. Do you want a break or do you want to keep going?”
“Mistakes can make you feel bad, but they also help us learn and grow. They’re good for us.”
The benefits of high (but realistic) expectations vs perfectionism for children
Expecting little or nothing at all from children is not the answer to perfectionism. It’s all about finding the right balance between not expecting too little or too much. Combined with a warm and supportive parenting style, this can build your child’s confidence and help them reach their goals without sacrificing their well-being.
Having high but realistic expectations of your child shows them you believe in them. It also encourages them to try new things and teaches them the value of hard work. All of these go a long way in supporting children and teenagers to find fulfilment later in life.
Remember, extremely high expectations can come from anywhere, be it home, school, sporting clubs, dance academies or elsewhere. The sooner you can identify where your child might be feeling overly pressured, the sooner you can address the problem.
Above all, having a close and supportive relationship with your child can help them embrace a growth mindset and flourish. Often, this doesn’t require big changes. It can be as simple as letting small mistakes pass, drawing silly pictures together with your young child or telling your teenager about the time you failed an exam at school. By showing them that no one is perfect and accepting your child for who they are rather than who they could be, you open the door to a world full of bright possibilities.
If your child is struggling...
If you feel your child is struggling with perfectionism, anxiety or mental health problems and may need some extra support, get in touch with your doctor or health professional. Help and guidance is available.
Learn more about positive parenting through our online programs
Every parent can benefit from evidence-based strategies to support their child. For families of children aged 12 and under, Triple P Online can help. For support with teens, you could try Teen Triple P Online. For parents and carergivers of children with anxiety, check out Fear-Less Triple P Online.
References
- Lunn, J., Greene, D., Callaghan, T., & Egan, S. J. (2023). Associations between perfectionism and symptoms of anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression in young people: a meta-analysis. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 52(5), 460–487. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506073.2023.2211736
- Melissa Mulraney, David Coghill, Caitlin Bishop, Yasemin Mehmed, Emma Sciberras, Michael Sawyer, Daryl Efron, Harriet Hiscock (2021). A systematic review of the persistence of childhood mental health problems into adulthood. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, Volume 129, 182-205. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2021.07.030
- Carmo, C., Oliveira, D., Brás, M., & Faísca, L. (2021). The Influence of Parental Perfectionism and Parenting Styles on Child Perfectionism. Children (Basel, Switzerland), 8(9), 777. https://doi.org/10.3390/children8090777
